KH3 WEEKLY RUN EVENTS: July 2012

Saturday 28 July 2012

KH3 WEEKLY RUN NO,1250-HARES: LO FU CHI / HORNY BEE

CURRENT LINK
http://www.endomondo.com/workouts/RUN-1250
https://picasaweb.google.com/KH3 WEEKLY RUN-1250

Start: JULY 28-2012- 6:00 PM
End: JULY 28-2012-11:00 PM
Location: BUKIT SERDANG
SERI KEMBANGAN,SELANGOR D E,MALAYSIA.

MEMORABLE LINK
https://picasaweb.google.com/KH3 WEEKLY RUN-1188
http://www.facebook.com/events/KH3 WEEKLY RUN-1124

DRIVE TOWARDS SERI KEMBANGAN AND UPON REACHING THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS (IN FRONT OF PUBLIC BANK)TURN RIGHT.DRIVE APPROXIMATELY 50 METERS AND AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS TURN LEFT AND FOLLOW HASH SIGNS TO RUN-SITE.
https://maps.google.com.my/JLN CHERAS KAJANG TO BUKIT SERDANG

HOST: KAJANG HASH HOUSE HARRIERS{KH3}
WEEKLY RUN NO: 1250
HARES: LO FU CHI / HORNY BEE
RUN-SITE: BUKIT SERDANG
WEATHER: SUNNY SKY (34°C / 11.0 km/h ↑ )
RUNNER IN ATTENDANCE: 76.PAX
RUN BEGINS AT: 6.00PM SHARP
FIRST RUNNER OUT AT: 7:30 PM. FUN TOONG
THE TRAIL: LONG RUN
DISTANCE: 7.14KM (23425.19 FEET)
ALTITUDE: 160M (524.93 FEET)
HASH CIRCLE CONDUCTOR: PEANUT KING
FIRST TIME GUEST: NONE
REGULAR GUEST: 1.PAX. LIM LEE CHUAN
TOTAL GUEST IN ATTENDANCE: 1.PAX
AFTER-ON ON AT: ON-SITE
DISSOLVED AT: 11.00 PM

Thursday 5 July 2012

KH3 WEEKLY RUN NO,1247-THE 11th ROTATION RUN-HOSTED BY MKH4

CURRENT LINK
https://picasaweb.google.com/102950793837489457013/KH3WEEKLYRUN124711thROTATIONRUN
http://on.fb.me/13o9qF6 (MKH4 11th ROTATION RUN)

Start: July 07, 2012 3:00 PM
End: July 07, 2012 11:00 PM
Location: DAMANSARA PERDARANA
DAMANSARA,SELANGOR D E,MALAYSIA.

MEMORABLE LINK
https://picasaweb.google.com/102950793837489457013/KH310thROTATIONRUN1194 (KH3 10th ROTATION RUN-1194)-2011
http://www.facebook.com/events/130987733587612/ ( CH4 9th ROTATION RUN-1140)-2010

Dewan Desa Temuan, Bukit Lanjan Jalan PJU 8/7, Damansara Perdana, Petaling Jaya Selangor.

HOST: MOUNT KIARA HASH HOUSE HARRIERS & HARRIETTES

================PROGRAMME==================

14:00 ~ Registration Starts
15:00 ~ Welcome Speech by Grandmaster
15:30 ~ Bar Open
16:00 ~ Speech & Flag-off by VIP
16:15 ~ Warm-up Aerobic & Fire Crackers Blast Off
16:30 ~ Long Run Starts
16:45 ~ Short Run Starts
17:30 ~ Hash Circle Proceed
18:30 ~ Dinner Starts
19:30 ~ MKH4 Song
20:00 ~ Souvenirs Presentation & Speech by Participating GMs
21:00 ~ Boat Race - among 4 brother chapters
21:30 ~ Show Time
22:30 ~ Boogie Away All Night Long

==========SEE YOU AGAIN IN YEAR 2013=============

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)

RUN NO = =DATE= = LOCATION
1302=27/07/2013= SG.TANGKAS (12th ROTATION-RUN)
1303=03/08/2013= SG.JELOK(SHOOTING RANGE)
1304=10/08/2013= DESA AMAN PURI,KEPONG
1305=17/08/2013= JALAN KACAU(FISH VALLEY)
1306=24/08/2013= JALAN KACAU (FISH VALLEY)
1307=31/08/2013= KH3 25th SILVER JUBILEE-RUN
1308=07/09/2013= SG. TANGKAS(JLN CEMERLANG 1)
1309=14/09/2013= BUKIT SERDANG(INDUSTRIAL PARK)
1310=21/09/2013= SG.TANGKAS(JLN CEMERLANG 1)
1311=28/09/2013= BROGA(BEHIND ROCK TEMPLE)
1312=05/10/2013= JLN KACAU(SG.BATANGSI)
1313=12/10/2013= SG.TANGKAS(AGM-RUN)
1314=19/10/2013= JLN KACAU(FISH VALLEY)
1315=26/10/2013= BANDAR TEKNOLOGI
1316=02/11/2013= BANDAR SG.LONG(DESA BUDIMAN)
1317=09/11/2013= BUKIT SERDANG(JLN BS 5/27)
1318=16/11/2013= BUKIT HATAMAS
1319=23/11/2013= BROGA(ROCK TEMPLE)
1320=30/11/2013= MELAWATI (JLN ZOO NEGARA)
1321=07/12/2013= BDR SG.LONG(DESA BUDIMAN)
1322=14/12/2013= SG.TANGKAS(JLN CEMERLANG 1)
1323=21/12/2013= BROGA(FISH POND)
1324=28/12/2013= BUKIT HATAMAS
1325=04/01/2014= JALAN KACHAU(SIAM TEMPLE)
1326-11/01/2014= WAWASAN PUCHONG(JLN 5/1)
1327=18/01/2014= SG.BULOH(JLN HOSPITAL)
1328=25/01/2014= BANDAR TEKNOLOGI(CNY-RUN)
1329=01/02/2014= BUKIT HATAMAS
1330=08/02/2014= BROGA(ROCK TEMPLE)
1331=15/02/2014= SG.TANGKAS(JLN CEMERLANG 1)
1332=22/02/2014= BUKIT HATAMAS
1333=01/03/2014= MELAWATI(JLN ZOO NEGARA)
1334=08/03/2014=WAWASAN PUCHONG(JLN 5/1)
1335=15/03/2014=BUKIT SERDANG(JLN BS 5/27)
1336=22/03/2014=BROGA(ROCK TEMPLE)
1337=29/03/2014=BUKIT HATAMAS
1338=05/04/2014=BANDAR TEKNOLOGI
1339=12/04/2014=BROGA(ROCK TEMPLE)
1340=19/04/2014=MANTIN(LENGGENG)
1341=26/04/2014=SUNGAI LONG
1342=03/05/2014=BUKIT SERDANG
1343=10/05/2014=BROGA(ROCK TEMPLE)
1344=17/05/2014=BROGA
1345=24/05/2014=BDR TEKNOLOGI
1346=31/05/2014=BROGA
1347=07/06/2014=BUKIT SERDANG
1348=14/06/2014=WAWASAN PUCHONG
1349=21/06/2014=BUKIT HATAMAS
1350=28/06/2014=

HOST: MANTIN H4
EVENT: 3rd BALL BREAKER RUN
DATE: 17th MAY 2014
RUN-SITE: MANTIN (NEAR BY NIPPON FACTORY)
DAMAGE: RM 120 ENTITLED ONE EARLY BIRD T-SHIRT BEFORE 28/02/2014. THEREAFTER RM150.
ADDITIONAL FOR NORMAL RUN: RM60

HOST: BATANG KAJANG HORRORS (BKH6)
EVENT: 10th ANNIVERSARY RUN(JUNGLE FESTIVAL)
DATE: 28th JUNE 2014
RUN-SITE: SERI SURIA SCHOOL BT 13 HULU LANGAT,43200 SELANGOR.
DAMAGE: RM 70(ADULT),RM30(CHILD AGE 7 to age 18)
FOC:CHILD BELOW AGE 7(NO FREEBIES)
CLOSING DATE: 28/04/2014

HOST: THE HASH HOUSE HARRIERS KULAI
EVENT: 36th YEARS ANNIVERSARY RUN
DATE: 13th SEPTEMBER 2014
RUN-SITE: ?
DAMAGE: RM 70,00
CLOSING DATE: 30th JULY 2014(NO GUARANTEE FREEBIES AFTER CLOSING DATE)

HASH NAME

REGISTER NAME <><> HASH NAME

001-MICHAEL CHEN<>BIG COCK YOON
003-PATRICK CHIN<>GOLD PRICK
005-SIMON TAN<>SIMON ABC
007-RAYMOND LOH<>RAYMOND SMC
008-PATRICK YEE<>FREELOADER
009-FRANCIS CHONG<>MR.POTATO
012-SUNNY LOW<>AFRICAN CANNON
013-K.B.YAP<>CHINA CANNON
015-K.K.LEONG<>FUCKING METER
016-CHIN WEI NGOH<>BANDARAYA(FOC)
021-SENTOSA KONG<>KOON YAM PING
024-JENNIFER LIM<>WIND LADY
026-KOH FONG YEW<>CHOO LIN
027-LOW BEE HONG<>SUZIE Q
031-LIEW KON FOU<>PAK SU KUNG
039-LOH LEK<>JACKY ROLEX
041-CHOONG YOON LOY<>MESSY LOY
042-TAN BOON THIAM<>FUNTOONG
043-CHEN KIT LIANG<>SAI HAI
047-SIEW YEW HUA<>SIEW YOKE HAI
051-IRENE CHENG<>ROKOK MARI
052-CHONG KIM SANG<>SANG PAU SOOK
053-HEW FOH TAI<>SUB MMM SOOK
054-CHOONG SIEW WAY<>DIGI
055-LEE TIAM KET<>KAYU LAPIS
056-KONG AH MOOI<>KAYU MANIS
057-CHOY KON MOOI<>SAI HAI POR
058-ANDY CHIN<>BELAKANG MARI
059-MAN HEE HIN<>NO HOLD BARRED
061-CHAN FOOK LAM<>FUCK ME
062-CHAN SOON MENG<>YEW TECK CHAN
063-FOO YOKE YING<>SA THAM YING
064-VIVIAN CHIN<>DEPAN MARI
068-NG KEAN SIN<>KIA SI
074-NG BENG NGEE<>SIDEWAY 4"
075-DANNY SIEW<>SIOW HEI
076-YONG YOK CHIN<>SIOW PAI
079-YEONG HOCK CHOY<>LOW CHIEN
082-LEONG YUET SUM<>PIN NGEE NGAK
086-CHONG CHENG HUAT<>CHUNG KOK REN(M LEAVE)
087-CHEN YOKE KONG<>PAK HIEOW (FOC)
088-LEE CHOW MOOI<>CHAR MMM TI (FOC)
094-JASON TAN<>LO FU CHI
095-CHRISTINE HOO<>HORNY BEE
096-WONG KEOW<>WONG TIEW WONG
097-LIEW SOO FONG<>FONG SIEW HAI
103-LEE KEE HOCK<>LIEW LIAN HOCK
104-LEE KEN TIAN<>AEROPLANE KING
106-CHEN YEW NAM<>PAU THING KIANG
108-CHARLIE CHEN<>TOTAL LOSS
109-CHIN HOI TONG<>7-ELEVEN
111-LOW YEW KEONG<>K Y
112-WONG KUM CHIU<>KAI SI
116-GOH MEI YEOH<>OH YAH NGEOW
127-LEE TIAN SONG<>YONG YONG KONG (FOC)
128-TAN CHOON CHENG<> MR.DIY
136-TAN YOKE LEONG<>CHUA LI (FOC)
137-MICHAELWIN LEE<>ABDULLAH 37
138-LEE BOY<>TV 3
140-IRENE YONG<>CILI PADI
141-JULLIE ENG<>YELLOW PAGES
145-TAN KIM HENG<>YAKUZA
150-TAN HOOI LEONG<>SAU JOE LOW(M LEAVE)
151-WONG YET BOON<>LELONG
157-DANNY HENG<>PEANUT KING
158-MUN YUET MING<>PEANUT QUEEN
159-CHAN JAN KOW<>SMILING COW
160-TANG MEOW KENG<>SMILING CAT
162-LEE YOKE FUI<>CHOO YOKE FUI
163-KHOO FOUN KIM<>HAK NGAN KIN
164-RAYMOND CHAN<>PUN TAU KONG
173-NG THIAM CHYE<>BUFFALO
183-SHEE KIM HOCK<>SAY MMM HEI
196-LIEW TENG YAW<>CRAZY GUY
197-WONG HOCK MEW<>SAN KIEW
207-KIEW NYUK KIOW<>KAM HEONG HAI
208-LEE SIEW HWA<>SAN YONG
209-PAUL HIEW<>NO:1
210-REBECCA CHIN<>OR TIT TIT
211-WONG SOO THIAM<>OR TOH TOH
215-CHONG KIAM LOW<>RUBBISH BIN
216-TAN CHUAN YEE<>PAINT LICKER
217-SJETO YAM CHOW<>SAI TOW YEE
219-TEOH WEI CHIH<>TIEW NYA CHIH
220-KWAN YEW CHAI<>PUSING KIRI KANAN
221-CHONG CHOONG YEOW<>LAM THEN LOONG
224-KUAN YAT<>FEI CHOW YEE
225-YAP POH CHOO<>LADY KILLER
227-YONG KIN FONG<>YAM
228-NG BOON HING<>MABUK PRICK
230-EDMUND ONG<>CONDOM
238-HO KONG BIN<>KIT LIN PAU
239-PANG YEW LEONG<>LON LON PAN
240-LEE KON SANG<>WU KUI SANG
243-LEE CHIN SING<>KEDEKUT SING
246-CASSANDRA TING<>BULLET TRAIN
249-CATHERINE CHEAH<>SWEET KAT
251-WAI CHEONG HING<>WAI KOR
253-SIEW SEW CHEONG<>SIEW CHEONG
255-MICHAEL LIM<>MAKAI LIN
256-LEE WAI LEONG<>TIGER LEE
258-LIM LEE KHUAN<>SONG BIRD
259-ANDREW<> DIE HARD CHICKEN
260-NURUL<> SPRING CHICKEN
261-ALFRED LOH<>AH SAU
262-CHONG YEN THING<>THINGLE BELL
263-DAVID CHEN LIP SENG<>
264-EUGENE LIM<>
265-YA YA TAN<>
266-LIM AH LEK<>
267-KWAI LOW<>
268-KIT LIN POR<>
LOBANG=35 + BATANG=77<>SUB-TOTAL=112PAX
FOC-For those aged 70 years and above+minimum 10 years as KAJANG HASH HOUSE HARRIERS member

Hippie and the Nun 14/09/2013

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful nun and sits next to her. He turns too the nun and says, ''Will you have sex with me?'' Surprised by the question, the Noun answers,''No!'' and gets off at the next stop.

After she gets off the bus the bus driver turns to the Hippie and says,''I over heard your conversation, and I think I know how you can get the Nun to have sex with you.'' The Hippie asks how'. The bus driver tells him that every night at around 12 o'clock the nun goes to the cemetary and prays. If you go there and dress up as God you can demand her to have sex with you. The Hippie, happy about his new knowledge decides to dress up as God the next night and go there. When he goes there he sees the nun praying. He goes up to her and says, ''I am God, I order you to have sex with me.'' The nun answers, ''Sure, but can it be anal because I don't want to loose my virginity.'' They agree and have thier way. After it is all done the Hippie rips off his mask and says, '' HAHA I'm the Hippie.'' Then the Noun rips off her mask and says, ''HAHA, I'm the bus driver!"

The Best Pub for Free Drinks 07/09/2013

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

Old Man and the Punk 31/08/2013

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''

Dating a Prostitute 24/08/2013

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

Sunday Morning Sex 17/08/2013

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed, make a doctor's appointment. I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Sons Devoted to Mom 10/08/2013

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.

"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."

"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."

"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."

Grandma's Racy New Panties 03/08/2013

An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.

When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"

The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"

Live On The Radio 27/07/2013

An FM station has a competition where they ring someone up and ask them three personal questions. Then they ring their spouse or partner and ask them the same three questions. If the answers are the same, the couple wins a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Hello, it's XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 — when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Oh, mate. Well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for, Brian ?
Brian: Oh, about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it, mate?
Brian: Oh, mate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here, Brian !
Brian: Okay, okay...on the kitchen table.
Presenter: (much laughter). Good one, Brian. Now, is it okay for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, all right.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good, thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi, Brian.
Brian: Hi, Sharelle.
Presenter: Now, Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth, honey.
Sharelle: Okay.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oh, no, I can't say that on the radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: Okay. About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: Okay, Sharelle — final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh, no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway. Just tell them.
Sharelle: Oh, all right. Up the arse!
Radio Silence — Advertising
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

Honeymoon 20/07/2013

An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th anniversary in the same hotel and city where they spent their honeymoon. Before the act, he excused himself and went to loo and after a while came out laughing loudly.
''On our first night," the woman said, "you did the same thing and came out laughing. At the time, I was too embarrassed to ask what you were laughing about. Can you explain?"
''On that night while urinating, I made the roof wet. Today my shoes are wet."

Honeymooners 13/07/2013

One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down. By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there.

"I'm on a honeymoon."

"Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?"

"Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection."

"What about oral sex?"

"Gingivitis."

"Anal sex?"

"Diarrhea."

"Pardon my question, but why are you with her?"

"Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."

Dogs and Cats 06/07/2013

A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom.

"What's a bitch and a pussy?"

"Well," Mom says, "a bitch is a female dog and a pussy is a cat." The boy thinks to himself that this doesn't sound right since the other kids were calling each other that. So he goes to Dad.

"What's a bitch and a pussy?" Dad pulls out his Playboy and opens it to the centerfold. He draws a circle around the woman's pussy.

"Now that's a pussy, son! And everything else is the bitch!"

Dentist 29/06/2013

A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."

Dentata 22/06/2013

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day, and asked her what that was that she had between her legs.

"That is something you're never going to talk about again. And you shouldn't touch it either, because it has teeth." Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs, because he was very scared. One day, however, he met the love of his life and, in time, they got married. On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.

"No," he said, "it's got teeth."

"Silly goose!" she said. She spread her legs wide for him to see. "See? No teeth!"

"Well, I'm not surprised," the man said."Not with gums like that."

Chalkboard Culprit 15/06/2013

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

Counting Condoms 08/06/2013

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

Construction Code 01/06/2013

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".

The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.

The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!''

The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

Abstinence 25/05/2013

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Ashes To Ashes 18/05/2013

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

Banister 11/05/2013

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Warming up your dinner."

The Black Condom 04/05/2013

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks,“Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here?” “Sorry sir,” the owner responds, “but, we're all full.” “Aw, please I really need some poon tang!” And the owner awnswers, “Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom.” “Whatever,” the man answers quickly and races upstairs.
A few hours later the man comes down and says ''WOW“Wow, that was great. She didin't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom?” And the owner answers, “Respect for the dead.”

The Bus Driver 27/04/2013

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

Bar... Alligator 20/04/2013

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

Bathtub Anxieties 13/07/2013

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.

"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

The BDC 13/04/2013

A man wants to join the Big Dick Club, and heads down to the club to apply. The receptionist looks at him skeptically and asks him how large his dick is. "18 inches," he replies, proudly. To his surprise, the receptionist begins laughing uncontrollably, and the man leaves in shame. On the way out, he runs into the janitor, who asks him what's wrong. After he explains, he says to the man not to worry.
"See that lump in my sock?" The man nods. "And I'm just the janitor."

Bouncing Baby Boy Balls 06/04/2013

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

BB Boys 30/03/2013

A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentaly dropps some BB from the shelf into the batter. She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake. Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BBs.

The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, ''Mom, mom, I pissed out a beebee!''
She says ''That's okay, son. I accidentaly dropped some beebees into the cake batter. You'll be fine.''

Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' but the mother cuts him off and she says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine.''

Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' and the mother cuts him off and says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine.'' But then son says, ''No, no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

Bozo's Big Beautiful Ass 23/03/2013

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''

Bride and Broom 16/03/2013

Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."

The groom broom says, "How can that be possible? We haven't even swept together!"

Bubba 09/03/2013

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

Cartwheeling for Cash 02/03/2013

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

No arms, no chance 23/02/2013

A women without arms or legs is sitting on a beach weeping. A guy walks by and asks her what''s wrong. She says, "I''ve never been kissed before." The man feels sorry for her and gives her a long passionate kiss and starts to walk away. As he''s walking he hears her start crying again so he goes back and asks her what''s wrong now. She says, "I''ve never had sex before."

The man sweeps her up in his arms, looks into her eyes, and tosses her into the water yelling, "You''re screwed now!!"

Cheating 16/02/2013

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

In Cider 09/02/2013

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

Clearly Cheating 02/02/2013

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

Coma Arousal 26/01/2013

A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room. "Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!"

"That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts."

A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: "Doctor, she moaned!"

"Very good," says the doctor. "Now try oral sex. She should certainly react to that!"

Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet. "Doctor -- she died."

"No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims.

"Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."

Confucius Says: It's OK to let a fool kiss you; but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Says: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Says: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Says: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.

Confucius Says: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax doesn’t know if he's coming or going.

Confucius Says: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Says: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.

Confucius Says: Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Says: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Says: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.
...............................................................................

Q: What's the similarity between a Rubik's Cube and a penis?

A: The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

............................................................

Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?

A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

...........................................................
'I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain
problem.

Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.

The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it'
..............................................................

YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.

TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!
...............................................................

Question: 'Why is a waist called a waist?'

Answer: 'Because anything above the p**sy and below the tits is a waste'

.................................................................

A lady tells her Man: 'I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table'.

The man climbs into bed slowly and says:

'Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?'
....................................................................

Teacher : History is a very interesting subject.

It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student : Please teacher, I don't think I
want to study history.
Teacher : Why?
Student : There is no future in it.
......... .......................................................

Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask
him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted : $10.

Teacher : You don't know maths.

Ted : You don't know my father!
......... .......................................................

Mother : David, come here.
David : Yes, mum?

Mother : You really disappoint me. Your
results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book
tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong
Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.

......... .....................................................

Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on
Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up
her mind, how do I know the right answer?

......... .......................................................

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father
and daughter were watching TV in the living room.
Suddenly, there was a loud
crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The
daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter : It's mummy!
Father : How do you know?
Daughter : She didn't say anything.

......... ........................................................

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
..................................................................

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
..............................................................

Teacher : Simon, your composition on "My
Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did u copy his?
Simon : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
................................................................

Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible
to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
................................................................

Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore ,Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."